Sometimes I wonder who I really am. I think there are all sorts of labels I could give myself I suppose, but none of them are really who I am. I’ve spent almost 29 years on this earth and I still have so many odd feelings about myself. I guess it’s because of my childhood or lack of one that makes me feel strange about myself. There are so many parts of my life that I gloss over. Partly because I don’t want to remember and partly because I don’t want to answer the questions that the truth brings up. The truth is that I haven’t had much of a life. I don’t really think the world even knew I existed until I was 18. That’s when I got my first job and actually started learning about the world and let me tell you it was quite shocking in so many ways. I was so naive. Probably more so than most 10 year olds. I felt like an outsider in so many ways. I was so different from everyone. I was so afraid of life and I still am in so many ways. There are so many things I would like to do in my life, but my own personal fears and insecurities often get in the way of actually accomplishing them. I have learned a lot about life and people in the last 10 years since that first job. College and a new career have quickly propelled me light years ahead of where I was in social skills and self confidence, but that small voice of insecurity and fear still whispers within. I know that I’ve accomplished a lot in the last few years. I’m financially stable and I have my own place and money in the bank, but I still don’t have much of a social life. Just recently for the first time ever I’ve started building a real life friendship with someone besides my sister. It’s been hard for me to make friends because frankly I’m distrustful of most people and I’m also sort of have weird taste and ideas. It’s really nice to have a friend though and it makes me want to have more. I just don’t know how. In so many ways it’s hard for me to share my time and self with others. Some of it comes from the feeling that I am so different that I just don’t have a place in normal life. It’s weird that I feel that way because I’m pretty easy to get along with and most people like me. I just have very little confidence in my personality. I’m always afraid that I’m annoying or too weird. My only hope is that throughout time I will meet more people that I get along with and can trust. This would make me feel that my life it more complete all around. Deep down inside I am a very social person and I like people. It just seems that my confidence in my coolness as a person is not always that high. Some days I’m very self conscious and other days I don’t give a damn. I’d like to be the latter more often than I am now. I still have some work to do to pull myself out of the mindset that I’ve lived with most of my life. I don’t want to feel that I have to keep secret my life just to seem normal. That’s sort of stupid in some ways really I guess because that part of my life it over. It’s just hard to get over it and the feelings that linger. Someday I hope to come full circle and be open about all of me and be okay with it.
Well I’ve almost made it through my second week of working M-F. I thought I would be bummed out about having less days off, but surprisingly I’m not. It’s busier and I get to interact with my co-workers again. I missed the buzz and hum of a busy office. I feel like part of the team again and not just some weird weekender. It’s really nice and the days go so fast. I guess you really don’t realize how good a thing you had until it’s gone. I’m definitely enjoying work again. I was so bored on my old shift that I wanted to quit some days. Now I feel so much less stressed and productive. I care again and I like that. Work is almost fun sometimes. It’s ironic that I thought being away from work longer would make me happier, but now I realize that I need to have people around or I feel isolated and bored. I’m so much happier and more positive about life in general. It makes me appreciate what I have again. I will miss the extra money, but it’s worth it to like your job again. I just hope it’s stays this way because enjoying work is a rare feat. 😀
For the last six months I’ve been working weekends. At first it was really cool because I had Monday thru Thursday off and I felt like I had so much time. I was tired of my life at the time and I wanted to escape from everything. I just wanted to escape and run away. I was so confused spiritually and mentally and so tired of all the obligations that I had gotten myself into. I did escape and the time I’ve had to think has led me to believe that I could never be a hermit. I have had time to sort out my mind and get in touch with myself again. It was all fine until about a month ago and I started to feel kind of lonely. Everybody I know does stuff on the weekends. I saw my sister a lot, but everyone else was sort of pushed aside. Then all of the sudden everything at work was turned upside down and I am going to be back working during the week. I am looking forward to it. I will like to see more of my co-workers and feel like part of the team again. I realize that I miss everyone too much. As much as I hated it at the time, I even miss my old obligations. The problem with isolation is the feeling that no one needs you. You start to feel like maybe you don’t exist and that you’re disconnected from the world around you. I’m looking forward to reconnecting with the world again with a new realization that I like other people more than I thought. I’m feeling positive about the change. It was sort of a nice break from reality, but I’d rather be living in reality again. Sometimes change can be good and in this case I’m more than ready for it.
Alright so I know I should feel lucky to have a good job in such tough times. I can pay all my bills and I still have money left over. However sometimees the mental cost ofcorporate employment can feel like it’s not worth it. My job used to be enjoyable, but ever since the economy tanked the attitude has changed. Granted it’s natural for moral to be lowconsidering the layoffs and pay freeze, but it seems that themanagement seem to keep inventing more and more stupid hoops you have to jump through to get the smallest thing done. I don’t know where the motivation for such things comes from. My guess is that management know that they will be one of the first ones to go if the layoffs come again. It seem that the only way they can prove they are actually useful is to invent ways to pass the blame and punishthe comon worker for being human and making mistakes. Sigh, it’s just so frustrating to know that you’re getting bad reviews and negative comments just to justify not paying you more. The bar is set so high that you would have to be a robot to even make the minimum score to even be considered for a raise. It’s all about greed and profits and the bottom line. They’ll overwork and underpay and then when you’ve worked your assoff to meet an unrealistic deadline all you get is complaints when it’s not perfect. I know that the movie “Office Space” is not a comedy. It’s a serious look at the heart of what corporate America is. Working in a windowless room in a cube surrounded by other people that care less than you do. Somedays it feels like the most soul crushing experience that you can imagine. There is no joy left. Everyone is on edge. There are rumors and fears about losing jobs or shuttting down. The desire to do the work is second to the feeling that it doesn’t matter anyway, you could be the next to go. Everyday you wonder if it will be your last. It is fearful to imagine losing your job, but sometimes you hope you will be next just to be free from the corporate beaurocracy. i can only hope that someday things will be at least tolerable again. I think that’s what we all want. Just to work and focus on the work and forget about the fear and uncertainty. To feel appreciated and valued. I have litle hope that will happen, but you never though. With life you have to expect the unexpected. All I know is that I’m not the only one that feels the way I do and that at least makes me feel a little better. I’ll just take it one day at a time and hope I still have a little soul left at the end of the day.
Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy! So often the world feels like a strange an foreign place. I go through the motions. I work and I support myself. I try to be responsible and respectable, but so often it feels almost pointless. I have few friends. I rarely even meet people I like. I feel as if I have strange ideas about life and high moral standards. Yet I’m not uber-religious and I try to be tolerant of others beliefs. I feel that as long as you’re aren’t abusing or forcing your will on others then it’s fine with me. I wish I could meet others like me. I wouldn’t even know where to start looking for others like that. I was raised Christian, but I no longer feel that I fit in there. There are so many things about Christianity that I can no longer agree with. This leaves me in an awkward place. I still believe in God and many of the traditional Christian values like kindness to others and helping the community and no sex outside of marriage, but I’m also cool with more progressive concepts like gay marriage. Sigh, this makes me an open minded prude I guess. Sigh, I just don’t know how to define myself. I know that labels are overrated, but it would be nice if I felt I had some sort of defined group to fit into. I don’t feel right about going to church just for the social aspect and to meet people somewhat similar values to me. I also don’t feel comfortable going to clubs and bars and other places that “normal” people meet. I guess until I figure out how to find others like me, if there are any, I’ll guess just have to settle for what I have.
Why do I want to write…why do I want to reach out. I guess because sometimes I feel so alone. My thoughts and my dreams and my thoughts about what life should be don’t often seem to fit into the world I live in. Sometimes life is such an agonizing soul crushing experience. This world of greed and phoniness. A world of two faced monsters full of an emptiness that could swallow the universe whole. I wonder if our ancestors could see the world that their children have created if they would even recognize the creatures that we’ve become. Selfish, spoiled and only caring about where to get the next high or sexual conquest to fill the emptiness within. You see the creatures of modern society everywhere. Seeking to prove their self worth through designer clothes and shoes. Trying to impress the outside world with the expense of their cars and how many bedrooms in there house even if it means secret financial ruin. So many are hurting in this time of financial uncertainty, but I feel little pity for the people that are stuck in ruin because of their own stupidity. Yes, there are people who had unlucky breaks and horrible things happen to make them stuck in a horrible situation. I believe that for everyone that has had a string of misfortunes there are at least five others that dug their own financial graves. I hear people who make four or five times what I do complaining that they can’t pay their mortgage or their car payments. They overextended themselves falsely believing that nothing bad would ever happen and that they would be fine. I can’t help wonder whatever happened to the concept of saving for a rainy day? Our grandparents would be ashamed at the way so many people have been recklessly spending money that they haven’t earned yet. What did they spend it on? For some it might have been a necessity for survival, but for many people it was for “cool stuff.” I’ve heard economists say that the reason thing are so bad is because consumer spending has been down. The whole economy before the collapse had been based on consumer spending. Where did all this money come from? A lot of it was on credit cards and borrowed equity. Borrowing against homes to buy computers and televisions and clothes…no matter which way you look at it something seems so wrong about this picture. The experts keep saying that if we as a nation start to spend more we will get back on our feet. I however believe that the spending is what got us into this mess. There is this perception in our society that we will be happy if we can live the life of a celebrity. Riches = happiness. I however see this as counterproductive. So often being successful means stomping on people and taking advantage of others. It’s this “screw someone over before they screw you over” mentality that I believe has made the world so horrible. I don’t know how the ones who have made their millions off the pain of others can sleep at night. What has happened to basic decency and respecting others? What happened to being responsible and respectful? It seems like everyday another scandal is in the news of some CEO or politician stealing other peoples’s money for their own material gain. Corruption runs rampant in the government and in corporations and even in the field of healthcare. With this sort of attitude of cutthroat financial gain at all costs, it’s not surprising that we’ve come to this point as a nation. Without personal responsibility and respect and realistic attitudes towards what it means to be successful, we can never grow as a people or a nation. We are slaves to image and material gain. Until we can see that a successful life is more than a new car and the latest phone, we will never be free to achieve the greatness that we could as a nation and as a people. What is the path to freedom from this nightmare we’ve created? That remains to be seen. I believe that things would get better if people in power were held more accountable for their underhanded actions and respect for others was more than just an idea, but things will have to get a lot worse before change will come. All we can do is hang on for the ride and hope that when all is said and done and the smoke clears there will be something left to save.